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Lake Zurich Divorce Law Blog

Things married couples do that ruin their relationships

Divorce doesn't always happen because of infidelity or something else that is dramatic and obvious. Many times, people see their relationships deteriorate for much "smaller" issues. These things add up over time. They can be just as destructive as some of the bigger issues that people often associate with divorce.

If you feel like your marriage is coming to an end, maybe it is because you or your spouse have done some of the following. These are a few of the main things people do that ruin their relationships:

  • They do not communicate well or they don't understand the differences in communication styles. For instance, many women focus on sharing information; they just want a connection with the person they're talking to. Many men, on the other hand, want to find a solution to a problem. When people do not understand their spouse's goals, they don't feel like they know how to talk to one another.
  • One person asks the other to give up the things that they love for the marriage. Everyone has passions in life. You may love things that are very different from what your spouse enjoys. That's fine, but asking someone to abandon those passions just to stay married is a surefire way to make them resent the marriage.
  • One person tells the other to pick them over other important people in their lives. This could mean spending less time with friends or choosing a spouse over a family member. While the spousal relationship is certainly different and important, the goal should not be to replace these other relationships, but to add to them.
  • They expect the other person to change after marriage. Some people say that their immature significant other is going to grow up after they get married, for instance. This is a risky position to take. People often do not change. People should not get married when they just want to change the other person into someone new after they tie the knot.
  • One person forces the other to be more like them. It's good to share interests and activities, but it's unrealistic to think that your spouse is going to give up what they like and suddenly become interested in everything you like. If you think you can force them to do it, that mindset will cause issues in the marriage.

Understanding the financial side of a divorce

Divorce may be a relationship issue, a family issue, but the reality is that it's also a major financial issue. You have to consider the financial side of the split. You have to think about the long-term ramifications. Relationships may come and go, but the money-related decisions you make during your divorce -- or the things that you overlook -- could impact the rest of your life.

That may sound intimidating, but it shouldn't. You just need to know what steps to take. Here are a few things to get you started:

Signs that your husband is emotionally immature

You always felt like your boyfriend was a bit immature when you dated in college, but you didn't let it bother you. You were young and you had fun together. You figured he would grow up eventually.

Even before you graduated, that relationship took a serious turn when he proposed. You were still enjoying the relationship, so you said yes. You got married, finished your last year of college and moved forward with your life together.

Divorce: Different impacts for men and women

Though you do have some same-sex divorces in Illinois, the reality is that most divorce cases involve a man and a woman. It is easy for either person to assume that they experience the divorce the same way that their partner does. However, experts warn that this is not the case.

Psychologists who study divorce note some massive differences in the way men and women view divorce, the way they react to it and the impact it can have on their lives. Below are a few of these differences:

Why you should buy a new home after divorce

Your divorce isn't just a possibility anymore. It's going to happen. You know it and your spouse knows it. It's just a matter of time.

You're trying to plan for your future in Illinois. One of the biggest questions you have, naturally, is whether or not you should keep your home. Is this time to sell the house and buy or rent a new one, or are you better off trying to find a way to keep your family home in your name?

When you can't communicate, divorce becomes likely

Divorce doesn't always happen because of something dramatic and unexpected. You don't leave your partner because you walk in on them with someone else. You don't suffer from physical abuse. You don't find yourself married to someone with a serious addiction problem that sends the family into bankruptcy.

These cases do happen, of course. But many marital issues are far more "minor" and more difficult to observe. They're not obvious, they're not dramatic and you may not even realize that they can end your marriage. But they can.

Negotiation tips for your divorce

Divorce often centers around control and power. Two people feel like they both want to "win" the divorce, and it makes negotiating difficult. While the court does make some decisions for you in certain situations -- such as how to divide child custody -- you have a lot of details to work out together.

Both men and women make critical negotiating errors. Much of the time, women have a tendency to hold nothing back, laying all of their cards on the table. This makes negotiating difficult because they have nothing left during the conversation. Men, on the other hand, tend to be far too withdrawn and callous about the whole thing. They don't want to compromise and so they can miss out on excellent opportunities.

Hidden assets: Find them all with a forensic accountant

As you begin to think about getting a divorce, one of the things you might decide to do is to start putting away assets into places where your spouse can't get to them. That's usually acceptable as long as you can tell the court where the assets are, but if you plan to hide assets, you should know that you're violating the law.

Even if you don't plan on hiding assets yourself, it's a good idea to begin looking into your spouse's assets and to begin taking count of the assets you expect to have to divide between each other. Illinois is an equitable distribution state, so any marital assets are divided fairly between you. For that reason, finding all assets is necessary.

Preparing for 6 months after the divorce is final

You're eager to get divorced. You're happy to be done with what has been an unhappy marriage. It's time to move on.

It's fine to feel this way, but don't get too wrapped up in the excitement or the positive changes you see coming in your life. A lot of times, people feel excited to end their marriages, but then they are completely unprepared for life after divorce. It takes them by surprise.

Don't be too nice: It could ruin your divorce

It is often said that women are too accommodating during a divorce, but the reality is that anyone can get emotional and give too much to the other party. Even if you still have feelings for your spouse or want to give them more out of guilt, it is best not to allow your emotions to guide your divorce.

It is good to want to be amicable during a divorce, but being respectful is different than being a pushover. You can respect the other party without hurting yourself.